The Waiting Room
Over the past few years of dealing with the struggle of infertility I have had countless moments of ‘this can’t be happening!’ Working with the fertility doctor for over a year had proven to be one of the hardest pills I have had to swallow to date. I still remember the feeling PJ and I had when we walked into that office hand in hand. The doctor pulled us into his office and simply said; “Tell me your story,” cue the tears. I mean I completely lost it. I didn’t know where to begin and how to end. We wanted answers and the quick FIX button, but that was clearly not going to happen. Our doctor was absolutely fantastic, not only was he empathetic, but he was a Christian and wanted to do everything he could before he jumped to the diagnosis of INFERTILITY. He believed that since we were young and healthy and had a great genetic background, this would be a simple thing like low Vitamin D or estrogen. Both of which are fixable. Hearing the news that we wouldn’t have much more time to conceive due to my low egg count; the thought ‘this can’t be happening,’ was going on repeat.
We still have complete faith that God is going to fulfill the promise He gave us, but now we know that He is doing it His way and in His timing. I fell so low that my faith turned into doubt and my joy turned quickly into depression. No amount of sleep could take away the pain and loneliness I felt. I know this is an oxymoron, but the more I isolated myself the more I felt alone. Follow me here. All I wanted to do was be alone, but then I would get angry when no one would reach out to me and ask me how I was. Sounds stupid right? But it is so true. I wanted to be alone, but in the same breath I wanted someone to see that I was hurting and for some reason PJ wasn’t enough. What we have learned over the years is that the more we pushed and prodded, the quieter God became. The moment you try to take control of your own destiny is the moment God steps back and lets you do you. But what amazes me even to this day, is the more I pushed Him away, the more He pursued me in the little moments.
Faith requires you to see the invisible and move the impossible. We need to start taking our miracles personal no matter how small. I did get pregnant (twice actually) and with no medications miraculously, but unfortunately we lost both babies after a short 10 weeks. I know heaven gained two baby angels because we believed God was capable and we never gave up. I have had to stop comparing what I don’t have and start looking at what I do have. Our journey hasn’t been easy, but it has brought PJ and I even closer together than you would think. Statistically speaking most couples that go through a loss and trial like we have usually end in divorce. PJ helped me in my lowest moments. In those lowest moments, it’s important to remember that this isn’t just happening to you, but it’s happening to you both. Men grieve the same as women, they just show it differently. I honestly don’t know where I would be without my husband today. He saw me at my worst and dealt with my Hulk emotions like a BOSS. God is working behind the scenes and while He doesn’t feel he has to explain His timing to us, I know this story is helping someone. All those ‘this can’t be happening,’ thoughts are real and valid, but they are also reminders that you aren’t alone. Time is where grace and mercy have the ability to work.
Our story does have a happy ending though. We recently adopted a beautiful baby girl this March and she has been the most precious gift to us. When I say, she is worth the wait, she truly is WORTH THE WAIT. I remember when we finally spoke about adoption it was bittersweet because we both so badly wanted the pregnancy moments and having “our own”, but we knew there just had to be a reason it wasn’t happening. Leighton is that very reason. I must tell you, I specifically prayed for a baby that at least somewhat resemble us, but I didn’t realize how handy God was. I say handy because it is almost like He hand sculpted her to look and act just like us. She has a bubbly personality like PJ, but she has moments where she likes to be left alone like me. Friends, don’t give up on your dreams of being a parent, just know that God has a plan for you even if you don’t understand it, or it’s not ‘your plan.’ If you aren’t a Christian just understand that timing is everything, relax, enjoy the little moments and don’t be afraid to talk about it. You are not alone so don’t feel ashamed!
Photo: Elsie Calo, Confident Motherhood (elsiecalo.com)
Believe in the things that are unseen rather than the things that are seen because the unseen is still growing but the seen can always change.
*To read and follow along the Canterburry's adoption journey and more, check out their personal blog here: https://wildernessoftheheart.blog/
Ashley Maiso is a photographer located in Chicago. For her amazing photography services and more, check out her website at www.maisophotography.com.