AUTHOR TYISHA ROBERTS FOR CONFIDENT MOTHERHOOD
My motherhood journey is one that I was never prepared for or at least not how it all evolved.
I was a little girl who hoped and prayed and dreamed about the day that I would become a mom and a wife. I wanted everything to go the way I fantasized about with no exceptions. When I found someone who made me feel the way I wanted, I took at the chance.
At 20 years old I met my now ex-husband. He said all the right words and it made me feel that I was in love. It was a short courtship, getting married three weeks after meeting and getting pregnant within three months with our first son.
When we found out I was pregnant, I couldn't believe it. I remember crying. We were living at my mom's house, I was working, and going to school and this made me feel like the timing was not right. It was during this time in my life that reality became clear of who I had married. I was busting my butt working, juggling school and taking care of my (ex) husband and his daughter. He wasn't interested in working, or taking on responsibilities, and was always out with his friends.
One day while in class my teacher said: "Just because you’re afraid to do something, it doesn’t mean you shouldn't do it if it is the right thing to do." That same day I went home, and I told him it was over. I packed my suitcases and left. It had only been a month since finding out we were pregnant with Greyson. I stayed away until about 37 weeks pregnant when we tried to make it work again. At this time, I sincerely walked away when he missed the birth of his son. I had decided to move with my life for good.
After Greyson was born, I went through postpartum depression. But that was not all.
Between the birth of my first son (Greyson) and our rainbow baby (Colton), I had suffered 4 consecutive losses with my husband. The first pregnancy being twins. The loss of my twins was the hardest I've had to face in my entire life. I remember feeling that something was wrong and going to the ER. The moment they showed us that monitor screen, I knew that my babies were gone. Once again, I was experiencing postpartum depression. Only this time it felt that I couldn't grieve as I wanted because I had to stay strong for Greyson. My son is the real reason why I am alive today.
In April 2016, I was going back to school and starting a new job when I found out that I was expecting. I carried the pregnancy to about seven weeks and six days when I started bleeding and we sadly lost that baby. In June of 2016, we were pregnant again but lost that baby at about six weeks. Immediately after that we were pregnant again but lost the baby without even making it to 5 weeks.
I was losing hope. My body was failing me and I didn't think I would ever be able to carry a baby again. The amount of pain and hurt that I felt every time, changed the way I was as a woman, and as a person completely. This made me weary when I was finally pregnant with my son Colton.
After losing so many pregnancies, I didn't want to have any real attachment to my pregnancy with Colton. I was afraid that something would happen to him and that I'd lose him the same way. I worked hard my entire pregnancy and put as much faith forward as I could. The day Colton was born, was the most amazing day.
My journey into motherhood has not been easy. I know that it is never going to be easy for me and guess what? I wouldn't trade any of it. The postpartum depression, my miscarriages, being a single mom at one point, all of it. It was a hurdle, but where I am now is where I've always wanted to be. I am a stay at home mom to both of my little boys. We have the most amazing man who loves us and takes care of us. And if I had not endured all I did, I wouldn't be who I am today or be present the way that I am.
Sometimes we have to suffer and go through the hardest of challenges in life to get to where we need to be. That has been my story. While so much pain was endured, our blessings have been far beyond what we could have expected and truly blessed.